Beowoof

I want my money back. This is the worst movie I've seen in years. Bad acting, bad dialogue, no real plot, even the music sucked. How is it possible to spend this much money and turn out such an incredible piece of crap. I mean really. If you haven't seen it yet, don't. I'll give you a synopses.

It's 6th century Denmark. Old King Farfegnugen and his bros are sitting around the mead hall getting wasted on mead or Jaegermiester or something when the evil Grendel crashes the party, literally, and wreaks bloody havoc. Seems this happens whenever the king and his bros get together. Funny thing is, nobody seems to be prepared. After killing quite a few of his bros, King Farf tries to fight Grendel, but Grendel won't fight and runs home to mommy. The king shuts down the mead hall, I think it's called Ragnarok, or maybe that's the name of the band that was supposed to play that night. Enter Beowoof and his merry band of preo Nazis all dressed in furs and heavily armed. Beowoof has come to kill Grendel. The king decides to re-open the mead hall (Ragnarok) to trap Grendel so that Beowoof can kill him. Guess what? It works. For some reason Beowoof decides to fight Grendel unarmed and naked. Some sort of honor thing. Of course Grendel is 3 times as big as Beowoof and has a nasty set of claws and teeth but that's the way he likes it. Of course Grendel eats one of Beowoofs bros before he can get at him. Beowoof jumps on Grendels' back and rabbit pinches him into submission then tears off his arm. Grendel again runs home to mommy and dies in her arms (tentacles?) Beowoof decides he needs to get mommy next, so he goes to her cave to kill her. But there's a problem. Mommy is actually Angelina Jolie with no clothes on and a really sexy Russian (Italian? Polish?Portuguese? whatever) accent. I missed most of the plot line here because I was staring at Angelina thinking: Wow, look at those breasts. They look bigger than the last time I saw her naked in a movie. They're pretty perky for a woman her age. I wonder if they were digitally enhanced. I think I can see her nipples. Maybe not. Look at those lips, I wonder if they were digitally enhanced. Is she really naked or did they just plop her head on a body double? Wow, look at those bre... oh yeah, it's really computer animation. But look at those breasts. Wow.

I think she convinces Beowwoof to replace the son she's lost in return for power. Of course Beowoof agrees cuz I mean it's Angelina Jolie and she's naked and look at those breasts. Old King Farfegnugen decides to make Beowoof king after him cuz he doesn't have any sons cuz his wife is frigid (Duh, it's relly cold in Denmark) The king gets so drunk, he thinks he can fly and says, "Hey Bros, watch this" and doesn't really fly. Fast forward to the future. There's the gratuitous battle scene. Then there's a celebration commemorating Beowoofs killing of Grendel and mommy, but wait, he didn't kill mommy like he was supposed to cuz I mean it's really Angelina Jolie and look at those breasts. Wow. Anyway, one of Beowoofs bros is telling the story but he's actually speaking in some sort of proto Germanic language while the rest of the movie has been in English. Turns out that Beowoofs son with Angelina morphs into a really cool dragon and attacks the town. In order to redeem himself, Beowoof goes out to kill him. There is your typical gratuitous dragon slaying segment, you know, flying around while attached to the dragon by a chain, loosing his sword, stabbing the dragon in it's only vulnerable spot and ripping out its heart, that kind of stuff. Of course Beowoof falls to his death and his buds put him on a ship with all of his really cool gear except for the golden Dragon Cup. Did I forget to mention the golden Dragon Cup? Oh well, I think it was important. Then they light the ship on fire and send it out to sea. It goes about 20 yards out and sinks. Bye Bye Beowoof. Then Angelina comes out of the water, but not far enough to see those really fine computer animated digitally enhanced bre... The final scene is Beowoofs' last and most faithful bro holding the golden Dragon Cup and staring at Angelina thinking "Wow. Look at those bre....." I think the end was my favorite part. I mean the very end when the movie was finally over.